Signing Off...for now

It's been a crazy year and a half but it's time to say goodbye to this blog for now.  I may post updates occasionally, but you know how that goes.

I hope someone is able to benefit from reading about my experience through IVF and using Starbucks as a way to make the dream a reality.

If you've found this blog somehow, please don't hesitate to reach out to me with questions, I'm always happy to help out!!  Since I probably won't check the blog often for comments etc, the best way to reach me is through email abigailanna42@gmail.com or through facebook.  Another resource which I can't mention enough is the Starbucks IVF Mommas facebook page.  PLEASE join as there is a wealth of knowledge on there from so many other women going through the exact same thing.  It is probably the most encouraging and least dramatic facebook group I've ever been a part of.  Make sure to read the pinned post first as that will answer many of your questions if I haven't addressed them here.

With love,

Abigail

End of an Era

Well, now that March has come and gone, I've officially lost my Starbucks insurance :(. I'm actually a little sad because that was my last tie to the company and now it's really, really over.  It's weird to think about being completely done and that chapter of my life is closed.  Looking back, it all went to fast, but time is usually like that I guess.

I really can't describe the immense gratitude I have for Starbucks and everything it's given our family.  I know they get flack in the media every once in a while for one reason or another, but I will always stand behind them as a company who really cares about their employees.  My experience at Starbucks was always a positive one and I would encourage anyone who's thinking about applying to do so.  I've even suggested it to people who don't need infertility benefits, but just health benefits in general!

So thank you Starbucks, for giving us what really matters in life.  For making a reality something we thought may only be a dream.  Some little girls grow up wanting to be teachers, or doctors or lawyers and I only ever wanted to be a mom.  Now I'm getting that chance.

Is This Real Life?

I'm continually amazed at the miracle of life.  I feel so blessed to have been able to watch this miracle from the very, very beginning!  Not many people can say they have a picture of their kid when they are literally five days old.  It is insane to not only realize that a clump of cells becomes a child, but that this specific clump of cells becomes my child.  How great is God?!

Last Day :(

I've known for a long time that my insurance would terminate at the end of March, due to me not meeting the hours requirement during the fall.  I decided to have my last day be March 1st so that the insurance would carry through to the end of the month.

My store had a change in management and a lot of the employees left at the same time so the last few months have been crazy.  There have been a ton of new hires and even though I'd only been there a year, I was one of the veterans...weird!  Due to so many new people wanting hours and me not really needing (or really wanting...) a ton, the new manager was only scheduling me for 4-8ish hours a week during the end of January and February.  So when my last day came, it wasn't really a big deal shock to not be working anymore.

I didn't actually get scheduled on the 1st so I had to take someone else's shift.  I was able to get an opening shift from 4:30-9:30 so I could open with my favorite shift manager, Sydney, one last time.  She has been a huge supporter of me during this journey and also is just really good at her job so I obviously liked working with her ;)

It was a regular Friday morning, with all the regulars coming in for their morning coffee and pastries. The biggest decision I had to make was what would be my last free food markout!  I ended up opting for a blueberry oatmeal.

The last day at any job usually comes with mixed emotions and this one was no different.  I'm grateful to be done with the 4:30am shifts and really grateful to be done with 8 hour shifts on my feet all weekend.  I'm grateful I won't come home smelling like stale coffee anymore (and Nate is so grateful of this as well)!

But, I'm sad to be leaving this place that's given me so much.  And I'm sad to be leaving the people that have become my family.  Each one of them is so special to me and has lifted me and cared about me through a difficult year.  Every one of them, from the 16 year old high schoolers to the grandma of the group, has a unique situation and story, as do we all!

Cousin Twins

We left my parent's house on Christmas Eve to go spend a couple of days with Nate's family at his parent's cabin.  The first night there, we were all standing around the kitchen talking and his brother announced that they were pregnant with baby #6!  We still hadn't told his brother that we were pregnant so Nate ran upstairs to grab our ultrasound picture and announced that we were too!

We discovered we are due within days of each other so it will be fun to have cousins the same age.

Making Grandparents

We decided to wait until Christmas to tell our families about the pregnancy.  Nate's parents we ended up seeing on the 15th for the weekend so we were able to tell them then, and then we told mine on Christmas Eve.

These are the onesies I got as gifts to tell each of our parents.

This will be grandchild #18 on Nate's side but #1 on my side!

We told Nate's parents while we were out at dinner with just them.  We wrapped it up as an early Christmas gift and they were definitely surprised!

For Christmas, we went to my house late Friday night but didn't tell my parents until Monday morning when we exchanged gifts as a family.  I wanted it to be a complete surprise, and it was!  They were a little upset I waited until we were leaving (we went to see Nate's family Monday afternoon) but I think we were forgiven ;).

I feel so much better now that our families know and it doesn't have to be a secret!  I know we waited longer than most people to tell their parents but I wanted to do it in person and Christmas was the first chance we had.  Now we can slowly start telling friends.

Last Shot!

I can't even tell you how good it feels to know that I don't have any more shots!!!! (well....until I get crazy enough to do this again....)

But for now, it's all over and I'm so, so, so happy!!  We're at my parent's house for Christmas but haven't told them I'm pregnant yet so I had to do my last one quietly in our guest room.

Best. Christmas. Present. EVER.

Ode to Charlie

I would be most ungrateful if I didn't dedicate an entire post to my amazing store manager, Charlie.

I don't have many personal heroes, but Charlie is definitely one of them.  I will be (literally) eternally grateful for the opportunity he gave us to have a family.  Have you read the post about my interview?! It was a disaster in so many ways, and yet he took a chance on me, a non-coffee drinker who had only ever eaten a chocolate croissant from Starbucks.

But Charlie's greatness doesn't end with the decision to hire me.  He has been so supportive of this entire journey.  I was very upfront with him from the beginning as to why I needed the job at Starbucks.  He has been my cheerleader every step of the way.  We opened the store together many times and it always gave us time to talk about our families and the challenges we both face.

Whenever I needed time off for procedures, Charlie always gave it to me, no questions asked.

When my availability changed 2 weeks into the job to be much less flexible, Charlie still made sure to schedule me 20 hours a week so I would qualify for benefits.

When I was having a rough day due to the shots, Charlie would make sure I had an easy shift assignment.

He made our store a fun place to come to and I think all of the employees felt that.  I've been at jobs where most of the employees are unhappy and it's not fun.  I honestly feel like everyone at my store enjoyed their job and enjoyed working with each other (99% of the time) and I know it's because Charlie took care in who he hired.

Besides being a great store manager, Charlie is a fantastic dad and provider for his family.  He works multiple side jobs cleaning and buying & selling online so that his wife can stay home and take care of their adorable little girl (who looks just like him, it's crazy).  In a world where families are being increasingly stretched and torn by outside influences, it's always neat to see someone who knows the value of their family and the importance of having parents who are present in their kids lives.

So here's to you, Charlie!  Thanks for being a bomb dot com manager and life example. 

Fancy Shots

We went out to dinner with two of Nate's sisters and their husbands to a fancy steakhouse in Charlotte.  First, I will say it was totally delicious!  Second, we sat at a table across from a bunch of LA Lakers players who were in town for a game the next day.  We all just kept waiting for Lebron to walk in but sadly it never happened haha. Our hopes weren't too high since the other players there weren't the super high profile ones.  We only knew it was them because Peter recognized one of the coaches and then Nate recognized one of the rookie players since he's a Lakers fan now.

Third, I asked for a glass with hot water to heat up my PIO and was brought a fancy little teacup instead.  I was a little lost with how I should do it but Nate suggested heating up the medication before drawing it into the needle instead of after, and it worked like a charm!

Fourth, when I went to the bathroom to give the shot, the first one drew blood and when I pulled it out it was going everywhere!  So I'm in a public bathroom trying to quickly grab some toilet paper to stop the bleeding while trying not to get the stream of blood on my dress or my tights and doing it all with one hand because I don't want to set down a dirty needle anywhere.  Gosh, why can't things like that happen when I'm at my own house?!

Infertility Graduation

The day finally came that I graduated from the fertility clinic!!  The doctor released me today and now I'm just like every other pregnant girl out there.  I will still continue my PIO shots and estrogen patches for a few weeks but other than that, I'm good to go.

See you in a couple of years!

9 Weeks

I am anxiously awaiting our next ultrasound which will be on Wednesday.  They said if this appointment goes well, they will probably release me to my OBGYN at that time.  That's crazy!  It's actually gone kind of fast...kind of.

I feel extremely lucky to report that so far I have not had any morning sickness or really any negative pregnancy symptoms! (knock on lots of wood...) I had one Saturday where I took 3 (THREE!) naps.  It's possible apparently.  And I've had a few days or hours where I've felt a little queasy, but really nothing to complain about.  I keep waiting for it to hit but also praying it doesn't come and that maybe I'm a lucky one on this front!  I could use a break after all this other stuff.  I mean, I guess having to give yourself a shot everyday isn't exactly on the "easy" list, but it's gotten to the point where I don't dread it and besides some lumps and bumps in my rear, I'm generally pain free.

I haven't gained any weight but my pants are definitely tighter at the belly.  I pee a lot and I am hungry all the time.

A Heartbeat Away

I think this two week wait was so much worse than the actual "two week wait" everyone talks about between transfer and first blood test.  I mean, you go from having blood tests every other day to them telling you to just hang out for 2.5 weeks for an ultrasound appointment.  I was so tempted (multiple times) to call and ask for another blood test partway through, just to be sure everything was still okay.

We had such a cute nurse this visit.  She pulled us back and asked me how I was feeling.  I told her "terrified" and she just gave me a big hug and told us how exciting everything was.  It was so nice to have her be so warm and excited for us because a lot of people at the clinic are more business like and don't like to get involved, understandably.

Our doctor was the one who came in to do the ultrasound.  As soon as she got a picture I knew everything looked good (well, it all looked good according to my limited knowledge of ultrasounds hahaha).  She was able to find the heartbeat super quick and it's crazy how you can see it pulsing on the ultrasound, even when the baby is only as big as a blueberry!

I am 7 weeks, 3 days which was further than I expected.  I looked it up online a week or so ago to figure out how far I was because I wasn't sure how to calculate it factoring in IVF.  That means my due date is July 14th!

I honestly just felt overwhelmed after the appointment.  It's hard to feel happy when you're so scared something is going to go wrong.  And how are you supposed to feel when everything you've ever wanted is finally happening?!  I'm not a very emotional person and I think I usually just get quiet when big things happen, so they probably all thought I was angry or something...I don't really know.  I just really didn't know what to say or how to feel or what to do.  It's so overwhelming.

A few days later and I think I'm feeling better about everything.  At least, I don't feel so overwhelmed now.  I'm sure that will come and go through the whole pregnancy though.

This one shows the baby's heartbeat.

This one shows the baby is 12.16mm long and is measuring 7 weeks 3 days (right on schedule!)

Eating at Shake Shack after the ultrasound.  We had a bit of time to kill before I dropped Nate off at the airport for a quick business trip.  Another reason I'm glad the appointment went well because if not, I was spending the night all alone.

Uncharted Territory

Welp.  Here we are.  I made it to the third blood draw.  We're now in uncharted waters.

I swear, each one gets more and more nervewracking to wait for the results.

But to keep the suspense to a minimum....my HCG was over 4000!  Yay!!  They said it's perfect and we don't need to do anymore blood draws, the next time I will go in is for an ultrasound on November 28th.  That's over 2 weeks away!  How am I supposed to go from updates every other day to waiting two weeks again???  I really don't know how I'm supposed to do this haha  And it's the awkward time of when do we start telling people?!  Nate's sisters that live right here by us ask him all the time how things are going and they knew we'd be transferring soon, so we really can't keep it a secret much longer from them.  But I don't want to tell too many others until we have the ultrasound and confirm things look good.  Even then, I know things can go downhill quick.

I'm just trying really hard to enjoy the moment and be excited and not assume the worst is going to happen.  It still doesn't seem real.

I still haven't taken a home pregnancy test.  Is that bad?  Is that robbing me of some sort of excitement or a rite of passage?  I really have no idea.  I just can't deal with seeing another positive test, to only have it not turn out in the end.  So at this point, I'm okay just going along as I have been :)

Hope for the Hopeless

I went in for my second blood test two days after the first.  Again, not super hopeful since this was the day, last transfer, where everything ended.

Before my blood was drawn, I asked the lab tech what my HCG level was from the first draw.  For some reason, they hadn't posted it online for me to see yet.  She started off by saying that after the first transfer my HCG was 60, and they want it to be at least 50 that first draw.  Then that number should double every 48 hours.  At my second draw, the HCG level actually decreased, which is how they knew the pregnancy was not viable.

Well, my HCG from the first draw this time was.....drumroll please.....686!!!  WHAT?!  I didn't even know it could be that high. I mean, I don't know much about what these numbers are supposed to be, and from my very rudimentary research online, they can vary greatly.  But 600 seemed a heck of a lot better than 60!

It gives me a little bit of hope at this point and I feel a little excited, as much as I'm trying not to :)

I was so nervous all day waiting for a phone call to hear if it doubled.

It came back just over 1600!!!!  That's more than double!  So far, so good.  I go back for a third blood draw in three days.

The Day I Didn't Take a Pregnancy Test

I have been so sure that it didn't work this time around.  Last time I just felt like something inside me was different.  Not like pregnancy symptoms exactly, but my body knew something was going on.  This time I've felt absolutely nothing.  Combined with my naughty Saturday Halloween party, I didn't have much hope.

Last time I took a home pregnancy test the morning of my first blood test because I wanted to be prepared for bad news, if it was coming.  This time, I was too scared to take a test.  I didn't want to see negative and worry all day that it didn't work, only to have it confirmed later.  I just felt like whatever happened is going to happen and I don't want to have any sort of expectations.  And I didn't want the excitement of a positive test to be crushed only days later by a negative blood test.

So I waited, in anticipation, all day for a call from the nurse.  I stupidly forgot my Apple Watch so I had to keep my phone close to see if I was getting a call!

And then I missed it!  Gahhhh!!!

When I first listened to the message, I wasn't hopeful because it was my doctor's voice, and she's the one who calls with bad news.  However, she gave me a big congratulations and said I was pregnant!

WHAT!?!?!?!?

I was really in disbelief.  I had been 90% sure it didn't work.

It's hard because you can't get too excited knowing it's just the first test and things can go downhill quick.

While I don't pretend to know what it's like to have a full-on miscarriage, I got a glimpse of how difficult a pregnancy after one could be, always worrying and not allowing yourself to be happy about the exciting times ahead.

I still didn't take a pregnancy test.

PIO isn't the worst...

I have made a few tweaks to my PIO injections which have helped significantly this round!  First, I do them earlier in the evening, between 5-6.  This gives me time to be active afterwards, instead of going straight to bed and letting the medicine just sit in my butt all night.  I have also been better at massaging it in right after.  I don't even necessarily do it with heat, but I really work it in with my fingers.  And I massage the area for a good 5+ minutes.

I've really only had 1-2 bad days and they were mild compared to last time.  Thankfully I never had the days of hell like my first round.  Hopefully it keeps up!

Halloween Bash

I was so naughty the day after transfer.  We planned to have a big Halloween party at our house Saturday night and I had to spend all day Saturday getting ready.  I tried my best to keep my heart rate down but sometimes you just can't help it!  I had a couple of awesome friends come over to help with some of the food which was fantastic.  Nate helped with decorations and I did a little bit of everything.  My biggest project was creating a cardboard box maze for the little kids, up in my office.  It almost didn't happen, but I was determined!  It was all worth it when the kids loved it :)

And I don't have anywhere else to really post these pictures so this blog will have to do.

We were tourists ;)

Cat Brains

Mummy brownies

Spider cookies and jello brains

Chocolate covered pretzels 

Teresa and Sierra decorated these like PROs.  Probably because they both are actually cake decorators and really are pro.

Drink Station

My favorite room was the bathroom which I decorated like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets...complete with Aragog and all his baby spiders...muahahahaha

We also recreated our floating candles room from last year.

The kids enjoyed feeling all of the spooky body parts.

Okay, I do not have a good picture of the maze I made but you can kind of see it here.  Well, you can see the top of everything haha

Here are some pictures from inside the maze.

Transfer Day! Take 2...

The time has come again to transfer another one of our little embabies!  I feel like it has taken forever to get back to this point, but here we are.

Again, I kind of feel like it's just another day.  I don't feel especially nervous, but I guess I already know what's going to happen so there's really no need for nerves.  I worked a shift at Starbucks this morning, how fitting.  It's like I wanted to tell everyone that in a few hours I was going to get impregnated and how cool is that?!  But then I also wasn't going to tell anyone, especially work, quite yet.  It's weird to have such exciting news that you can't really tell people about.

I may have filled my bladder a little too full, too early, so I had to go to the bathroom when we got there.  It's not easy to only empty your bladder partially, but I did it!  And then I kept on chugging more.

We only transferred one embryo again.  If this one doesn't work I'm pretty set on transferring two the next time, but we will keep our fingers crossed.

This time I felt everything went a lot smoother.  The first time they had a hard time seeing everything and honestly, I think the ultrasound tech was new because she had such a difficult time and the girl this time found what she needed right away!  Everything went much quicker and it was less uncomfortable.

After the procedure, we went home and I took a nice long nap, like I love.  I'll take any excuse to nap that I can get!

Insurance Games

I'm getting really good at playing this insurance game.  I feel like I've definitely come out on top this year!  I feel like beating insurance is not the norm...so I'm celebrating while I can.

I've been pretty upfront with my insurance dealings on here and want to pass on whatever tips and tricks I come up with to future Starbucks Mommas (or whoever else is reading this).

Benefits reset on October 1st for Starbucks so you want to use as much of your benefits as you can in the remaining time, especially if you've already met your deductible!  This goes for all doctors, not just your fertility stuff.

I was eligible to get refills on my estrogen patches (the ones where they filled 180 for me), leuprolide, and PIO.  I won't need the estrogen patches for a while, and I still have a TON left over from my last batch since the transfer was unsuccessful, but if I do get pregnant I will need more!  I'm hoping I don't need another batch of leuprolide since that would mean the 2nd transfer is also unsuccessful, but I refilled that just in case.

For the progesterone, my prescription has historically been for 2 vials at a time. I refilled that today (in preparation for the coming transfer later in October) and the pharmacy tech who I was speaking with (at Cigna) told me that if the doctor sent in a new Rx for more vials, they could fill that as well.  So I asked my nurse and she sent in a new Rx for TEN vials of progesterone.  This will theoretically last 100 days!  Plus the 4 vials I already have on hand which definitely gets me through week 12 of a pregnancy!!!  So even though my 2nd transfer hasn't even started, and won't happen until my insurance changes, I already have all the meds I need.

A few weeks ago I filled the regular pharmacy drugs for the transfer like valium and an antibiotic as well.

You may be wondering when this is a good idea and if it would be beneficial for you.  This is most beneficial for people who are switching insurance providers (I'm going from Cigna to BCBS) or people switching to a lower insurance plan (I'm going from platinum to silver).  The reason for this is that right now, I have very low copays for pharmacy meds (valium, antibiotic, estrogen patches) and copays will be significantly higher with a silver plan.)  ALSO with a platinum plan, it covers the fertility meds at 100% and with silver I will have 30% coinsurance.  So these meds will go towards my $15k fertility max, but I know I'm not close to reaching that, and since I'm switching to BCBS, I'll get a whole new $15k!

Begin Again

I feel exhausted knowing I'm starting this whole process again.  I am so grateful I have embryos frozen so I really don't have to start from the very beginning, but it's still a 6 week process and I forgot how long 6 weeks really is.

Tomorrow I'm starting the leuprolide shots again.  I don't mind these because they are tiny, in my belly, and don't need to be heated or refrigerated.  But I'm feeling just a little overwhelmed about shots, in general, again.  I don't know why exactly.  Because if I had gotten pregnant I'd still be giving myself shots.... but there's just something about starting over again that makes me tired and frustrated and a little angry.

However, I'm grateful for the opportunity to try again so soon.  I'm grateful I still have insurance (although starting October 1st it will be not nearly as good :( ) and I'm grateful for supportive family and friends.  I'll make it through this time, just like last time, and eventually things will work out how they are supposed to.