Pregnant for a Day

Today did not go exactly as hoped.  I knew it wasn't good news when I saw two missed calls from my clinic and no voicemail.  Then when I finally was able to answer the call (I was in the middle of a Starbucks shift) it was my doctor that answered, not the nurse.  So at least that gave me a bit of a heads up when hearing the bad news.

Basically, when they test for pregnancy, they are testing your HCG level.  These should continue to rise with each test.  However, mine decreased.  Not good.

She said she had it tested twice to make sure it wasn't a fluke and it came out exactly the same the second time.  Our options are to stop all medications now, or continue and test again in two more days, just to make sure the levels don't start rising again.  I definitely did not want to drag this out two more days for the super duper slim chance that the numbers could come back up, so I decided to stop the hormones.

We can try again in 5-6 weeks.

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment.  I hate that I tested positive two days ago.  I hate that I had a glimpse of what that would be like, only to have it ripped away two days later.  But I've also always said that I don't know how I could handle having a miscarriage or carrying a child to term and it not surviving, or a hundred other terrible scenarios.  I would so much rather lose it early on, before I would, in any other circumstances, even know I was pregnant.  So I guess that's a blessing.

This gives us more time for more tries.  I only will have the Starbucks insurance through March (at the latest) so if I need to do multiple tries, they need to be as close together as possible! 

I'm grateful for the chance we have to do this.  And it gives me hope that it can work in the future.  But it does hurt a little more now when I get online and see all the baby and pregnancy pics.  For 48 hours I thought that was me.