A Heartbeat Away

I think this two week wait was so much worse than the actual "two week wait" everyone talks about between transfer and first blood test.  I mean, you go from having blood tests every other day to them telling you to just hang out for 2.5 weeks for an ultrasound appointment.  I was so tempted (multiple times) to call and ask for another blood test partway through, just to be sure everything was still okay.

We had such a cute nurse this visit.  She pulled us back and asked me how I was feeling.  I told her "terrified" and she just gave me a big hug and told us how exciting everything was.  It was so nice to have her be so warm and excited for us because a lot of people at the clinic are more business like and don't like to get involved, understandably.

Our doctor was the one who came in to do the ultrasound.  As soon as she got a picture I knew everything looked good (well, it all looked good according to my limited knowledge of ultrasounds hahaha).  She was able to find the heartbeat super quick and it's crazy how you can see it pulsing on the ultrasound, even when the baby is only as big as a blueberry!

I am 7 weeks, 3 days which was further than I expected.  I looked it up online a week or so ago to figure out how far I was because I wasn't sure how to calculate it factoring in IVF.  That means my due date is July 14th!

I honestly just felt overwhelmed after the appointment.  It's hard to feel happy when you're so scared something is going to go wrong.  And how are you supposed to feel when everything you've ever wanted is finally happening?!  I'm not a very emotional person and I think I usually just get quiet when big things happen, so they probably all thought I was angry or something...I don't really know.  I just really didn't know what to say or how to feel or what to do.  It's so overwhelming.

A few days later and I think I'm feeling better about everything.  At least, I don't feel so overwhelmed now.  I'm sure that will come and go through the whole pregnancy though.

This one shows the baby's heartbeat.

This one shows the baby is 12.16mm long and is measuring 7 weeks 3 days (right on schedule!)

Eating at Shake Shack after the ultrasound.  We had a bit of time to kill before I dropped Nate off at the airport for a quick business trip.  Another reason I'm glad the appointment went well because if not, I was spending the night all alone.

Uncharted Territory

Welp.  Here we are.  I made it to the third blood draw.  We're now in uncharted waters.

I swear, each one gets more and more nervewracking to wait for the results.

But to keep the suspense to a minimum....my HCG was over 4000!  Yay!!  They said it's perfect and we don't need to do anymore blood draws, the next time I will go in is for an ultrasound on November 28th.  That's over 2 weeks away!  How am I supposed to go from updates every other day to waiting two weeks again???  I really don't know how I'm supposed to do this haha  And it's the awkward time of when do we start telling people?!  Nate's sisters that live right here by us ask him all the time how things are going and they knew we'd be transferring soon, so we really can't keep it a secret much longer from them.  But I don't want to tell too many others until we have the ultrasound and confirm things look good.  Even then, I know things can go downhill quick.

I'm just trying really hard to enjoy the moment and be excited and not assume the worst is going to happen.  It still doesn't seem real.

I still haven't taken a home pregnancy test.  Is that bad?  Is that robbing me of some sort of excitement or a rite of passage?  I really have no idea.  I just can't deal with seeing another positive test, to only have it not turn out in the end.  So at this point, I'm okay just going along as I have been :)

Hope for the Hopeless

I went in for my second blood test two days after the first.  Again, not super hopeful since this was the day, last transfer, where everything ended.

Before my blood was drawn, I asked the lab tech what my HCG level was from the first draw.  For some reason, they hadn't posted it online for me to see yet.  She started off by saying that after the first transfer my HCG was 60, and they want it to be at least 50 that first draw.  Then that number should double every 48 hours.  At my second draw, the HCG level actually decreased, which is how they knew the pregnancy was not viable.

Well, my HCG from the first draw this time was.....drumroll please.....686!!!  WHAT?!  I didn't even know it could be that high. I mean, I don't know much about what these numbers are supposed to be, and from my very rudimentary research online, they can vary greatly.  But 600 seemed a heck of a lot better than 60!

It gives me a little bit of hope at this point and I feel a little excited, as much as I'm trying not to :)

I was so nervous all day waiting for a phone call to hear if it doubled.

It came back just over 1600!!!!  That's more than double!  So far, so good.  I go back for a third blood draw in three days.

The Day I Didn't Take a Pregnancy Test

I have been so sure that it didn't work this time around.  Last time I just felt like something inside me was different.  Not like pregnancy symptoms exactly, but my body knew something was going on.  This time I've felt absolutely nothing.  Combined with my naughty Saturday Halloween party, I didn't have much hope.

Last time I took a home pregnancy test the morning of my first blood test because I wanted to be prepared for bad news, if it was coming.  This time, I was too scared to take a test.  I didn't want to see negative and worry all day that it didn't work, only to have it confirmed later.  I just felt like whatever happened is going to happen and I don't want to have any sort of expectations.  And I didn't want the excitement of a positive test to be crushed only days later by a negative blood test.

So I waited, in anticipation, all day for a call from the nurse.  I stupidly forgot my Apple Watch so I had to keep my phone close to see if I was getting a call!

And then I missed it!  Gahhhh!!!

When I first listened to the message, I wasn't hopeful because it was my doctor's voice, and she's the one who calls with bad news.  However, she gave me a big congratulations and said I was pregnant!

WHAT!?!?!?!?

I was really in disbelief.  I had been 90% sure it didn't work.

It's hard because you can't get too excited knowing it's just the first test and things can go downhill quick.

While I don't pretend to know what it's like to have a full-on miscarriage, I got a glimpse of how difficult a pregnancy after one could be, always worrying and not allowing yourself to be happy about the exciting times ahead.

I still didn't take a pregnancy test.

PIO isn't the worst...

I have made a few tweaks to my PIO injections which have helped significantly this round!  First, I do them earlier in the evening, between 5-6.  This gives me time to be active afterwards, instead of going straight to bed and letting the medicine just sit in my butt all night.  I have also been better at massaging it in right after.  I don't even necessarily do it with heat, but I really work it in with my fingers.  And I massage the area for a good 5+ minutes.

I've really only had 1-2 bad days and they were mild compared to last time.  Thankfully I never had the days of hell like my first round.  Hopefully it keeps up!